Originally titled old.txt but changed due to links. 05/14/00 I feel old. Its not that I ache or am sick or something like that, its just that I feel... Old. I've come to the conclusion that Old doesnt have anything to do with age. There are people thrice my age that feel younger then I do. Its that feeling that comes from things like regret, not only regret for things done, but by far more from things not done. Since I am such a fan of analogy, I have to imagine the racecar driver on the final lap cruising to the finish line, the race is in the bag, everything worked to get him where he was, and he realises that he was in the wrong race or racing for the wrong reasons and that winning(?) is just utterly pointless. None of my analogies are very good. Rarely do I come up with one that encompasses everything, but perhaps I can ramble on here and put down on screen what I cant nail down in my head. For once I should be doing a depressed ranting about myself that doesnt include the conclusion that committing suicide is my only hope for salvation. I think I've known all along that that "solution" isnt one at all but was in fact just an escape from thinking about whats really wrong. I think I've realised that I cant *know* whats really wrong. Hurting myself and drinking are again only ways of escaping the recurring thoughts which all center around trying to find this big problem. Giving myself answers like "I'm fat" or "I smoke" or "I dont have a girlfriend" and so on, like fixing one or the other of these items would suddenly make things all crispy and bright. Pinning my hopes on salvation from one person or the other again is just a way of sidetracking me from thinking. Whats going thru my head right now? The thought/dream of dancing... not like fucking ballet, just uninhibited dancing. I cant help but think this is some internal metaphore for a problem that I see in myself... that I am too self concious. Why dancing? Why dont I dance now? I do sometimes... alone.. or while driving ( rather dangerously ) down the freeway... the feeling it gives me is... wonderfull... but, not around other people... around them I feel like a dork... I feel like I cant dance... but the point is not to dance for THEM its to dance for myself and I know this yet I still cant. I cant let myself go. This doesnt just apply to dancing. It applies to talking to people, to work, to any manner of things. This thing of dancing... has haunted me for a long time... back into highschool easily and probably before. None of the things I want to do I could do right now for the simple fact that they involve *people*. They involve *me* revealing in one way or another some part of myself in a non-anonymous way Perhaps to be added to later... too much thinking going on right now. 05/22/00 Somewhere out there is someone sad like me. She's sad because I havent found her yet or she hasnt found me. I think I have to beleive this if only to keep my sanity. I'll know when I've found her. Its a feeling I've only had once before and I felt it as I lost someone many years ago, when I realised what was going away. The feeling itself was good, the realisation wasnt. I have this personal beleive that you should not change yourself for someone. You should not have to fix little quirks in how you are wired to make someone happy. If they want you, they want the problems too, the little things that make people different and interesting. But... If you change yourself for someone who you havent met, for someone that you arent even positive exists... does this go against what I beleive? If this other person is out there, changing themselves to to reach some ideal that they think I am looking for and is this bad? I dont think it is, but I still think about it. I dont want someone that I feel the need to change. This I realise again and again. I am not a god. I should not mold people as I see fit, or try. People do this all the time and dont even realise it. They slowly tease people into being what they want. 05/25/00 Its 4am I'm still awake. Been home 2 hours. Went and saw Mission Impossible 2 which I cant recommend as being a great movie, but I can recommend it as being predictably tolerable and very John Woo. I then went back to work after the movie and beat on some problems for a while hence my arrival home around 2am. I'm sitting here listening to the soundtrack of my Now Favorite Movie "Human Traffic". The plot is lacking, but it has inspired me. Too what I'm not certain, but I do know that it has left a mark. So, a rant about friends as related to the movie Human Traffic. The movie is about a bunch of friends that go clubbing every weekend. Drop E and have a good'ol time with a few kinks along the way, but what real life doesnt have kinks? Anyway, lets go further into the drug E. MDMA. Ecstasy. Its detrimental effects are quite small for the vast majority of people and if used occasionally the general concensus is it can even be quite helpfull. I havent taken it. I want to try it, but there is a slight problem, well, not a problem, but... I dont have any real friends. I mean, I have friends, but I dont have many left that I trust. I dont have many that I can talk to about shit that bothers me. Hell, I have to write this shit down just to try and figure out what I'm thinking so how can I hope to trust someone else. Anyhow, I dont have any people I know that I'd *want* to do E with. Well, I know one or two but the chances of getting them to drop E with me are about zero. Maybe less. It would be so nice, if only for a few hours, to feel warm and close to someone, without that pesky sex thing fucking up my thoughts. I've got more hangups about Sex then a Catholic Priest with 3balls. It sucks being alone. It sucks more being with someone and wishing you were alone. I want to find that one person who makes me not want to be alone. I'm not getting any cohesive thoughts out of tonights typing. I think I'll sleep now and see what the day brings. 8/13/00 Went to a typically dot.com party. Little groups of antisocial people clumping around things. Feeling out of place. I always feel out of place though I suppose. Is it just me or do the people in this industry not know how to get out and live? I know I dont. I wouldnt know life if it smacked me in the face. Just a few more days until vacation. First stop is Johnson City Tennessee where I'll see people I havent seen for almost 2 years now. Then on to Virginia for an overdose of family. But I get to see Jennifer again, something I look forward to very much. Never have been able to get her out of my mind for very long. My thoughts always swing back to her no matter who I'm with. Am I sane enough stable enough to get and keep her this time? I dont know. Dont think anyone knows. 9/3/00 I keep having dreams where I'm watching a video tape of my neices and nephews. I dont know how old I am when I watch this tape, but I always manage to wake up at this point feeling very sad. I think I have to assume in this dream I am very old. I get the feeling also that I am alone. Just something else in my life to look forward to. 9/17/00 Who am I? What do I want to do when I grow up? I think I'm getting too old to answer those questions but somewhere in my mind a little warning buzzer is going off. 11/8/00 [ nothing ever typed ] 12/1/00 Over a month without a smoke. Damn it feels good. 12/18/00 A few feet away she sleeps. The woman from my past. the woman from my dreams. the woman I wish was my future. I think I really would do anything for her. At least I have her as a friend. I have so few friends I consider close and trust so this is rather important. Doesnt stop me from wanting more though. Doesnt stop me from wanting it all. 12/22/00 Highschool yearbook. literally tripped over it. Of course I had to open it. What a mistake. Where did I go wrong? Oh, I know where I went wrong. Why did I do it? Well, there are many things you kinda have to do to realise just how bad they are. Of course, thats only a minor consolation when you look back at years wasted. I find it sort of interesting in a morbid way that I spend most of my time outside of work alone. Hell, I spend most of my time at work alone too. I dont know where I'm going with this train of thought. Time for sleep. 1/1/01 Wow. A real thought on the first day of the new century/millenium. How thrilling. So, I'm watching Steve. You know, the Crocodile Hunter guy. And he's there with his wife. And you know whats cool, they both get *so excited* talking about stuff. I mean totally ramped up. It looks so genuine. I would like to be so excited about something. 6/20/01 5:07am. I should be asleep as usual. I'll be a worthless lump at work today if I dont get some sleep. How this differs from days I get plenty of sleep I am unsure. Been a few months since I've written anything. Thinking about darkness right now. Thinking about what *I* find special. Go to a rave, feel like you are in the middle of a large mass of -life- Thats a good feeling, but what seems to draw me in is cold and dark... maybe stark is a better description. If it were music, it'd be slow synthetic drum machines and minor chords. Still searching... 8/25/2001 I turn Even Older tommorrow. Still havent found a use for myself. I know who I want and who isnt right for me, but I dont know who I havent found and who is right for me. Or perhaps I dont know who or what I want yet, or more likely I met her, fell in love, and fucked it all up. If I died right now, I'd know as my last thought that I didnt make a difference directly. Maybe somewhere I influenced someone and made an indirect difference. Maybe I made a huge difference and will never know, but what does it matter to *me* if I made a difference and dont know it? If you dont see something through, it was a failure of a kind. I wish I was Steve. I wish I mattered in the grand scheme. I mean, at some level I know I matter to someone, but I dont matter to The Race as a whole. I havent left my mark, I dont even know if I've left my ripple. Thats all that matters too me I think is knowing that I've left an indeliable *GOOD* mark. I mean, I could go on a mass murdering spree and leave a good solid red mark in the history books but thats not me. Enough. 8/26/2001 Old. I rate birthdays as higher then any other holiday. Unstead of having to share it with every other person on the planet, you share it with a select group and since its not advertised like everything else, it is more personal. No-one else does tho. And people wonder why I get so sad on my birthday. I want to spend it with friends. I want to spend it having fun. Oh well. Perhaps I'll stop having birthdays. It would be better really. 12/12/2001 An observation: This is my favorite time of year. Its the cold dead dark time of the year when you can watch everything die off and know it comes back in the spring, only, I never come back in spring, I just die off a little more. Its trendy for people to go to a shrink when they feel like this and get some happy pills that seems to fuel so much of American society these days. Not me, I know thats cheating, dont want part of me to die off just cause another part of me thinks its broken. 01/27/2002 First entry of the new year. This is so buried in my website I rather doubt anyone ever reads it, but it amuses me to read what I've written over the last months and see if it still holds true. It does. Interesting really. Sometimes I worry that I've changed over the years, and for a time perhaps I had, but I'm more myself now then ever. My bed is covered with manuals and schematics. I'm tripping over circuit boards and wires as I try to make something happen. I'm trying to Make The One Thing Happen that is the missing piece where things will start to come toegether and stuff. It could happen. Really it could. I need a Muse. 2/28/2002 I feel alive again for the first time in many many years. Damn it feels good! 3/11/2002 Bad analogy time. Watched Emergency Vet today on TV. Never have watched it before. Vets had rescued a dog. Owners were unknown. One of the people at the Vet office wanted to adopt the dog. Had really grown to like it, but then the owners did show up. Needless to say the person who wanted the dog was unhappy. Happy for the dog and the owner, but unhappy just the same. She's the best thing thats happened to me in a long long while and should things end tommorrow/next week/whenever I wont regret a second of my time with her, I'll only regret that if I had faith in myself perhaps it could have been more time. I wont regret, but I will definatly feel sad. Faith in myself. An interesting concept. Do I feel that I have worth? If one doesnt feel they have worth, how do they fix this? I am kinda almost starting to feel a little better about myself. It is an interesting feeling. 3/11/2002 #2 Two concious thoughts in one day. I realised while walking to work what attracts me to certain women vs all the others... Its a look. Many women including a few I have dated have not had this look. Its a look of joy or comprehension... you know the phrase "her face lit up" Well, honestly, some women's dont. I think most men dont care because they are too busy staring at their breasts or something. Why is this so rare? If I assume that I'll keep finding women that I like every 15 years or so, I'll have dated a total of like 15 women before I die. Not only am I not happy with myself, I seem to be picky as hell too. The word "Doomed" comes to mind. 3/12/2002 Doing great with dates. Had the wrong ones on the prior entries like it matters. Does to me so I fixed it. Decided I dont like myself. Decided I will fix myself. Not for anyone but me. I wont change myself for another person unless its just motivation for something I already want to change. I wont change what I beleive or whatever code I seem to live by. I dont know exactly what goes on in my head but I gotta listen to it. Its my head after all. 3/14/2002 I never figured I'd find someone I'd feel so at ease with. The Doubting Thomas part of my brain... well, its quivering but silent after I pummeled it with a golf club. I still have no idea what someone could see in me. The sunlight in the morning... its gorgeous. Everything feels bright and alive. Things, even work, are fun again. I dont want this to ever end. To quote ( or possibly paraphrase ) Alan Sheppard "Please God, dont let me fuck up". 3/25/2002 How do you tell when you're in love? What exactly *is* love? If love is wanting to spend the rest of time with someone If love is wanting someone to be happy above and beyond your own happiness If love is wanting to take away all the pain from someone If love is thinking about even the "imperfections" and smiling happily If love is *knowing* you have met The One, deep down inside in some indescribable way Then I am so in love it hurts. She's so lovely as she sleeps. I dont know what it is. And her smile, when it comes, is... joy itself to me. I feel all gooey and warm like the ending of a really sappy movie that you just cant help but enjoy. And the best part is, its just the beginning. 3/27/2002 I'm home for the first time in a week. It feels weird. It feels like I'm not home. I dont think I am home. Home isnt alone. Even my Tivo misses her. It recorded Emergency Vets... 3/30/2002 She's broken me. Its 10am on a saturday and I'm awake. I have tried to sleep in and I cant. 4/22/2002 Happiness is not smoking. Happiness is looking forward to the future. Happiness is being in love. 6/28/2002 Regret is one of my worst traits. Right now I'm sort of packing and cleaning and thinking. I look around my old apartment and I see uncomplete plans, unfollowed desires. I have to stop dropping things that I like to do. I have to follow through on things that might seem frivolous. I have to stop listening to my brain and I have to take risks. I vaguely remember a pyramid of some kind from Psychology. Everything works toward the top of the pyramid. I've got a good foundation now, I need to get those top layers or I will be just a blip in time. The lifetime of a human is very short in the grand scheme of things. The only way to immortality is to make a difference, to leave an impression. I want to be immortal. I want to be remembered for doing Something. Self Actualization. That was the top of the pyramid I think. Something like that. 2/14/2003 The nightmares are back. Why am I so afraid of being alone? 9/13/2003 early early morning She's not back yet. We talked this morning and I thought maybe there was hope. I went through my day full of hope. Not happy, but with purpose, knowing what I had to do. There is no hope. Nothing for me to focus on. Like everything else this has ended in pain and failure. I'm fat. I still smoke. And now I'm alone again. I imagine her with Him, laying close, skin to skin warm and I just... I dont even know how to describe the words. I dont want to lose her. She's an excellent compliment to me and I think I am to her. But I think its too late. I think she has already left and perhaps doesnt even realise it yet. I wish she was playing with me, trying to goad me into improving myself, but I dont think thats within her realm. The house hunt is on, I will have to move out. I cannot face nights like this. I cannot face remembering what was and thinking about what could have been. I still love her and there will always be a place in my heart for her, but over time it will fade. I will heal. I will move on. For right now however, I hurt. I feel empty and in pain and angry and stupid and so many negative things all at once. I WILL HEAL. I WILL MOVE ON. I have to focus on that. I have to keep THAT bit of hope alive. If I lose that, I will truly be beyond hope. And all I wanted for my birthday was something good to happen. 2013/03/09 Early morning. First entry in a long time. Thinking about Jenny. Thinking about where I went wrong and why I allow myself to continue down this path knowing that there are things I can do but not doing them, knowing that I can create but not creating. Reveling in feeling useless and unmotivated yet wondering what I can do about it. The catch is, I know what to do about it I just don't. Its not that I can't, its not out of reach its just that I *don't*. I have little bursts of motivation, but never anything that lasts. If Jenny could see me now she's see a fat mopey guy that she played with as a child but probably couldn't see any of that happy kid left in this mess I call myself. And that is what other people see. And I let them. And I don't change. I sit locked in my head swilling through memories and trying to imagine a past that would have been better. Sniffing around nostalgia instead of making a past to be nostalgic about later. No one else can fix me. I have to do it. I have to do it. Maybe if I say it some more it'll stick this time. I have to do it. I have to do it. No one will do it for me. Easy to write these words. Harder to follow them. Harder to mean them. 2013/08/04 This is where I grew up This is where I played This is where I laughed This is where I cried This is where I first fell in love This is where my heart was first broken This is where I was happy A little kid. Playing in the creek mud splashing in the water watching my dad build things playing with friends feeling loved feeling at home I dont feel at home when I'm at "home" I moved to California 14 years ago. Was it a mistake? Right now I'm sitting within inches of where I ran my first BBS. Within a few feet of where I had my first computers. Where I stayed up late nights working on things that seemed so important at the time, that seemed so full of wonder. And yes, where I fumbled through love as well. I'm not yet completely a machine. The humor is not lost on me that I moved by old bed so I could cover this built-in area with computers. Very rarely anymore do I feel full of wonder. Sometimes just sometimes I can look at the sky and remember what it feels like but in general what I work on... its just missing the spark. Sitting in my old bedroom after a weekend seeing All my relatives. Looking through old pictures. Of course I feel homesick. I feel sad. Meloncholy. The works. Driving through the county, remembering things. Its not just remembering things though its been hanging out with people and talking, its been feeling like I actually belonged. Its not that I dont belong where I've gotten myself, perhaps. I don't know, I sort of feel like by this time I'd be, well, married. Settled a bit. 2 cats and a nice library. Who knows. But I'm not. I'm not happy in so many ways. I dont feel Home when I am home. I feel Home when I am in the place I left. Sure, once I get back this will fade. It has faded before, but I still never quite feel settled. It'll be nice to be back in my own bed, but it'd feel better if it was here. Near people who I feel connected to. Near people who I love. In a place I can see the sky and hear, well, nothing at night except insects and fish jumping. The future used to be this wide-open wonderful thing full of possibility. I dont see why it can't be that again. I just don't know how to do it. For years now I've said "If this happens then I'll do This Other Thing" "If she calls I'll do This Thing" "If this trigger then That" I can't wait for triggers anymore. Signs from the universe that I should go do something. I need to be my own trigger.